Memories Are Designed To Fade
by fc2001
Summary: Post S11 finale. The story someone had to write. It's a long goodbye from way up there...CarterChen frienship.


Disclaimer: Without Prejudice. I do not own ER, and the characters are used within without permission. Don't sue, trust me it isn't worth it.

A/N: Someone had to do this. I apologise for timing errors. I'm assuming that Chen did do what she said she would in the epi where her dad died and went to China. I'm also assuming she came back. So that's the basis of this story, I guess. It's a bit random.

**Memories Are Designed To Fade**

The letter lay on her desk when she arrived home from China. She was jet-lagged and exhausted, but the sealed envelope sparked her curiosity. She knew she wouldn't sleep until she opened it.

It had a French postmark, she noted, sliding her finger under the flap and gently teasing the envelope open. Who did she know in France? Her tired brain couldn't quite make it make sense. Until she unfolded the envelopes contents, saw the familiar writing. Then it all made perfect, crystal clear sense, and she felt a sharp pain in her chest as she began to read.

_Deb, _

With that one word, she knew who this was from. Only one person in the world still called her Deb. She didn't like it, but from him she tolerated it. With a heavy heart and a weary sigh, she read on.

_I wish that I could have done this in person, face to face the way you deserve. But that isn't to be. I visited your house, but was told you were in China. I can only assume you plan to return to Chicago, but I won't be there when you do. _

_I'm writing this at 30 000 feet, on a flight to France to meet up with Kem, and then onwards to Kisangani and our work in the Congo. I am aware of how dangerous it is and how hard the work is, but don't worry too much about me. I am happier there really making a difference than I have been in Chicago since Lucy died. _

_It is with a great deal of regret that I remember how I behaved towards you in the months before you left. It was a time of such tragedy, it was hard to see a way to let anyone in, but you were my oldest friend, Deb. I should have let you in. I should never have let our friendship disintegrate the way that it did. And I should have offered help when I saw you struggling. I could have helped, supported you. I should have. After all we'd been through, I do feel I let you down. _

_I can't change the way I handled the situation, and what if is a horrible question to live with. Just know I am sorry, and that is all I have. You have no reason to accept my apology, though I hope that you will._

_Please know I always have and I always will care a great deal for you. I love you, but not in the way I know you wanted and not half as much as you deserve. It would have been so easy to fall in love with you – simple, uncomplicated – perhaps too much of a fairytale. But I never did and I never will. But you are beautiful and special – an immensely strong human being and an outstanding physician – and a wonderful, loyal friend. I never took full stock of just what you really mean to me until now. You really are one of a kind, and I realise now I'm lucky to have had the chance to be in your life, whether you believe it or not. _

_And as I fly out of your life, don't be angry with me, and don't miss me. I am happy now. Kem, like her or not, makes me happy. After Joshua, she shouldn't still love me, but she does. And she's where my story ends; I can just feel it. _

_I hope that you find what you're looking for, Deb, and I hope that you are happy. You deserve the best in life; please never settle for less._

_Don't forget about me, because I won't forget about you._

_Love always,_

_John._

She held the slightly crumpled notepaper in her hand – staring alternately at the paper and the wall ahead of her – trying to make sense of the goodbye she'd just read. The words began to blur as tears crossed her vision.

She pictured him in the arid plane cabin, thinking about these words, thinking about how to soften the blow, about what words to use to cushion this brutal, impersonal goodbye. She supposed she should feel lucky that he took the time to say goodbye at all.

She had seemed less and less important to him as other women had come and gone in his life. She would not have been surprised if he'd vanished to the other side of the world without thinking about her. It was hurtful to think that way, but she'd long resigned herself to not having the place in his heart she once hoped to hold.

But he had thought of her. He had sat on the plane and for at least a few minutes, his thoughts had been of her. Neither of the two of them could take back nor change the last few years. But she'd never stopped caring about him, no matter how hard he'd made it, and it made her feel slightly better that he at least claimed that he'd never stopped caring about her either. Even if they were just words, they were now words she could hold onto as her memories and their friendship began to fade into the past.


End file.
